Critique My Item!
Welcome to the Critique My Item thread!
This is the place where you should post your item if you'd like to see the judge critiques (if any) and receive critiques from others. To keep from filling up the subforum's display with threads, we'd prefer if non-judges who want to critique items also use this official thread.
For anyone doing critique, please keep it civil!
This is the place where you should post your item if you'd like to see the judge critiques (if any) and receive critiques from others. To keep from filling up the subforum's display with threads, we'd prefer if non-judges who want to critique items also use this official thread.
For anyone doing critique, please keep it civil!
Comments
1 - Follow the template. Don't copy it from anywhere else, as they can change in subtle ways without you noticing it. Especially if you're submitting to different publishers, this might catch you out. (Incidentally, that also goes for monsters). So follow the one we present, to avoid any issues.
Also, would anyone be interested in a design deconstruction of my wondrous item (Raveling Tunic)? Going through the inspiration, early design ideas and various balancing considerations and decisions I made.
I know I'd love to know how some of the other competitors approached it.
Temporal Treads
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot feet; Price 26,400 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
These brown and weathered leather boots always seem to have sand in them. Harnessing sands of time, they allow the wearer to step through time as well as space. Once per day the wearer may use an immediate action to step either back in time or forward in time one round. However, due to temporal eddies, control is imprecise and not without side-effects.
During your the wearer’s turn, they may step back in time to rewind events to the beginning of their current turn. Any events that occurred so far during their turn are considered to have not happened, though the wearer remembers them. At the start of each of the wearer’s following turns, temporal acceleration causes a cumulative 5% chance that the wearer is vaulted forward in time one round, skipping their current turn and ending the temporal acceleration affect.
When it is not the wearer’s turn, the wearer may step forward in time to the start of their next turn, without having experienced the intervening time. For the next round the wearer is affected by temporal drag which prevents them from taking anything except free actions.
When using an immediate action to activate the boots in response to being targeted by an affect, the wearer must do so before the results of the affect are determined or else risk being incapacitated before having a chance to activate the boots.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, haste, slow; Cost 13,200 gpAside from the grammatical errors and confusing text structure, the book keeping it'd need seems horrible.
I haven't made a lot of magic items before and thought I'd try my hand at it. It didn't make the 1st cut. However, it did inspire me to continue to make magic items to get better at it. Thanks!!
Mask of Greater Standing
Aura Faint Enchantment, Illusion, and Transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot Head; Price 29,000 gp; Weight -
Description
This red velvet mask is edged in gold trim and elaborately embroidered with gold and silver thread. These masks are popular with those of the lower castes of society, especially thieves, to gain the benefits of the higher castes.
While wearing the mask of greater standing, the user appears to be of a higher caste or social standing than they actually are. The wearer’s appearance takes on that of an individual from that caste/social standing. This includes any clothing and jewelry that an individual from that caste/social standing would wear.
Although the mask allows the wearer to appear of a greater caste/social standing than they are, it does not affect the wearer’s speech or actions in any way. The greater caste/social standing the wearer tries to emulate, the less likely he is to be believed.
Caste Levels Above Current Viewer’s DC Modifier
1 -52 -10
3 -15
4 -20
The mask does, however, grant the wearer a +2 to any Cha-related ability or skill the user possesses.
As long as the viewer accepts the wearer’s appearance and mannerisms of being from the caste/class he is emulating, the viewer will treat the wearer as such, including assisting the wearer, within reason, with whatever he may desire, including gaining access to quality items only those from a higher caste/social standing have.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, charm person, disguise self, eagle’s splendor; Cost 14,500 gp
Note: The caste levels/dc mod was originally in a table.
That said, your template use looks almost perfect (Requirements and Cost should be bold). I can see you're thinking about design in your last paragraph (but it should be "effect" not "affect" and that end of that sentence isn't really necessary -- we know what the risk is), which is good. As a judge, those are the little things I look for in a contest like this where I'm trying to extrapolate an item out to a designer's overall ability.
One other note: In your descriptive first sentence, you use "seem." That's one of my bugaboos as it means I'm often left wondering. They seem like they've got sand in them (but presumably don't?). How does that work? If I look in them, I see illusory sand? I suspect you meant when they're worn, but that's not really what it says.
Template-wise, it looks pretty good. The aura and slot values (faint enchantment, etc., and head) should be lowercase. Also, you don't need to italicize the first paragraph/description. That's for monsters. Also with your description, I would have stuck with the first sentence -- describing the item -- and just completely skipped the second. Most magic items don't tell you who they're popular with. Let the players and GM determine that, since they may be used in other ways in different settings.
I can see that I needed a clearer explanation on the "step forward" in time. However, I don't think many people understood the "rewind events to the beginning of their current turn". I understand this requires a bit more bookkeeping and overhead, but the effect is literally just that player turn, not the entire round. So, for example, the player wearing the boots starts their turn, takes a standard action to something, maybe deals some damage, takes a move action and stumbles into a trap, receiving a dose of poison, and decides to rewind. The only overhead is undoing the damage he dealt, poison received, and resetting the trap. I'll have to play-test, but I feel like the overhead wouldn't be burdensome.
Playing with time is tricky. I feel like pen and paper RPGs are a great space to do it, however, since we have complete control over events. I'll refine for next time. Thanks again!
Earring of Obscuring Mist
Aura Faint Conjuration; CL 2nd
Slot Head Price 1,100 gp; Weight --.
Description
This small silver earring, with a small Onyx teardrop gem hanging from it, is a favorite of thieves, bards and wannabe magicians. When command word is spoken, the wearer calls forth an Obscuring Mist (similar to the spell) surrounding the wearer extending to a 20-foot radius. This allows the wearer an easy or quick escape. The fog disperses after two minutes. There are 25 charges in this earring.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Obscuring Mist, White Diamond worth 200 gp Cost 550 gp
You did a decent job of following the template. The values in the aura and slot sections should be lower case, and your spells should also be lower case (and italicized). You don't have to add the item used in its creation. A magic item is most likely going to be made from some kind of expensive item, which you can indicate in the text (speaking of which, the requirements reference a white diamond, but the description says it's an onyx gem, so there's some incongruity there). Finally, as Jacob mentioned above, you don't have to indicate who favors the item. GMs and players will figure that out.
I hope all the above helps you out. I'd love to see what you have to offer next year!
Feedback for Mask of Greater Standing
Kettle of Poured Jewels
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 1000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This bronze kettle is decorated with a waterfall motif and covered in a light green patina. If fresh water and dried tea leaves are added and the lid is closed, the kettle will brew a pot of tea without any external heat source. The kettle takes two minutes to complete brewing and then maintains the tea at an ideal temperature for one hour without becoming bitter. The outside of the kettle never becomes more than pleasantly warm.
Alternatively, if a gemstone is placed in the kettle with water, it will brew the gem into a potion or oil based on the gem used:
Gemstone
Worth at
least (gp)
Potion/oil
Gemstone
Worth at
least (gp)
Potion/oil
Any mixture
25
Light
Jet
50
Vanish
Freshwater Pearls
25
Purify Food and Drink
Alexandrite
300
Invisibility
Sard/Citrine
50
Ant Haul
Aquamarine
300
Cure Moderate Wounds
Carnelian
50
Magic Weapon
Garnet
300
Barkskin
Pearl (not black)
50
Cure Light Wounds
Black Pearl
300
Darkvision
Zircon
50
Endure Elements
Spinel
300
Spider Climb
Bloodstone
50
Enlarge Person
Topaz
300
Levitate
Onyx
50
Hide from Undead
Emerald
750
Neutralize Poison
Jade/Peridot
50
Hide from Animals
White Opal
750
Remove Disease
Amber/Coral
50
Jump
Black Opal
750
Remove Curse
Tourmaline
50
Keen Senses
Fire Opal
750
Haste
Amethyst/Moonstone
50
Mage Armor
Sapphire
750
Water Walk
Chrysoberyl
50
Reduce Person
Corundum
750
Fly
Jasper
50
Remove Fear
Star Sapphire
750
Water Breathing
Sardonyx
50
Remove Sickness
Diamond
750
Cure Serious Wounds
Quartz
50
Sanctuary
Jacinth
750
Flame Arrow
Chrysoprase
50
Shillelagh
Ruby
750
Rage
Chalcedony
50
Touch of the Sea
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Brew Potion, Heat Metal; Cost 500 gp
It also doesnt have any specifics on how long it takes to create the potion, which I presume means it's instant, which is a big upgrade from the brew potion feat, which requires a day or more, so you end up with exceptional flexibility as well.
I do like how it offers a party with no casting some strong utility. I think it would be a really neat basis for a crafting system in a video game, or a very low-magic setting.
First, look carefully at Paizo's items to see what's capitalized, italicized, and such. You'll see that "Faint Conjuration" shouldn't be capitalized, "Obscuring Mist" in your requirements needs to be lower case and italicized, and lots of little things like that. They matter to judges.
Larger issues, though are these two: first, never say an item is "favored by" or "made by" a particular race or class or so on; that's weak writing--your item's abilities should indicate who wants it, and the history of the item often isn't relevant at all (artifacts notwithstanding, I suppose). Second, you mention that the item has charges, but never say what the charges are for. To call forth the mist, maybe? Look at how existing items with charges start with something like "this item has 25 charges when created, and each use expends one charge" or similar.
(Note, I wasn't a judge for this particular round.)
Thanks,
Ron
Not horrible, but for me it evoked a lot of potential and then lost it. The description and tea-brewing is solid and fun (although my "ideal temperature" for tea might not be someone else's!).
Before I got to the table, my thoughts went along the lines of "ooh, now from the name it's going to pour gems! And with a transmutation aura, too, because it changes tea to gems! But it has a low cost, so I wonder how the designer is going to tackle it..." and then...it's a just a store. It's a potion shop that takes your money and gives you a potion. Potion shops do that better than tea kettles.
I wasn't a judge for this particular round, though; I'm just prowling around here and thought I'd post.
Thanks,
Ron
(Also, as a gamer of a certain age, I felt like pearls worth at least 100 gp should absolutely have become potions of identify.